


The Man and The Closet

by orphan_account



Series: Birthday Crackfest [1]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: But everyone is obsessed with Seungri, Closets, Crack, GDYB are more like frenemies, Jiyong is obsessed, Jiyong the drama queen is the best Jiyong, M/M, Seungri is innocent and cute, Weirdness, Youngbae is still married here, mention of masturbation, mentions of TOP and Daesung
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 23:58:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13728747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jiyong and his thing with closet





	The Man and The Closet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [phlight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/phlight/gifts).



> Happy Birthday to the best Seungri stan ever!  
> I've been thinking about making this fic ever since you mentioned your curiosity about Jiyong being stuck in the closet in Write to Taste Life. I hope this does justice to your thoughts about Ji and closets. 
> 
> Forgive me for the lack of TOPRI TT_TT. I wish I could write better and do you justice!
> 
> Pure crack. I'm sure the boys are nothing like this but I secretly hope they actually are XD

The Man and The Closet - A story. 

This is the story about a man and closets. It is about the struggle a man has with closets. Specifically that fact that the said man always manages to get himself stuck in a closet. This man is Kwon JiYong aka G-Dragon, world famous superstar and leader of the legendary group BIGBANG. 

Jiyong’s issues with closets has a long history. Since he could remember, he has always found himself in a closet. Somehow, someway, he always gets stuck in them. It’s actually a talent at this point, if you ask his family and friends, though some may disagree. 

He’s found himself in some pretty interesting closets over the years. Like the time he got stuck in a closet in the Blue House. Or the time he got stuck in Jun Ji Hyun’s closet. And when he got stuck in SM’s basement closet. At this point, it’s a given that Jiyong is quite familiar with every closet in the YG building and Yang Hyunsuk’s home as well. 

While he’s found and seen things that were pretty interesting and shocking, including overhearing juicy gossip and being exposed to weird kinksters (you would not believe what Daesung is into, he ain’t called Yabai Kang for nothing), he hated being in the closet. The only closet he was truly free from was the metaphorical closet of gayness. It also happened to be the closet that he was never actually stuck in because #everybodyknows. 

Now with some of the exposition out of the way, let’s shift focus to the current situation of our dear Kwon-leader. 

BIGBANG, deciding to take a well-deserved vacation after an exhaustive world tour, rented a nicely-sized villa on a private tropical island. They were away from crazed fans, annoying paparazzi, and the pressures of idol life. 

Two days into the vacation and Jiyong had managed to been free of his curse of closets. This also greatly relieved his band members and managers, who at this point knew more about fixing and fiddling with closets than the average handyman. They loved Jiyong but getting stuck in the closet was annoying. Just ask Seungri who found himself taking an emergency flight from Europe to Korea just to free JiYong from a closet in Seungri’s own home.

On day three, however, the curse of the closet struck and Jiyong finds himself stuck in the closet of his room in the villa. Jiyong just find some swimming trunks so he could enjoy the sun and look fabulous by the ocean. Was that to much to ask? Apparently it was because as he went into the closet, it’s a large closet - not the size of a walk-in closet but enough that man could stand comfortably in, the folding door of the closet jams, leaving only a sliver open. 

Jiyong groaned. He was stuck in a closet, butt-naked, and without his phone. What a cruel fate!

Unfortunately for him, the closet was full of his clothes, that he would had meticulously put it three days ago. As a certified fashion diva, he couldn’t travel with anything less than a large closet of clothes. 

Jiyong managed to squeeze himself to the middle of the closet. He looked at the folding part of the closet, through the tiny bit of light shining through the crack. It looked fine at the bottom, but the top of the closet seemed a bit jammed. Jiyong pushed at the door, pulled at the door, even hit the closet door to see if it would unjam. Unfortunately it would not budge.

Tired and not willing to break his nails, Jiyong laid down on the floor of the closet, hands caressing his chest, his knees a bit bent, and his dick splayed out. He stared at the bottom hems of his many clothes. It was time for a existential moment. What was he going to do? Sleep? Yell for help? Try unjamming the door? Don’t be ridiculous! 

Jiyong wondered what his short life meant. The world will be such a dark place when they find his lifeless body, that perished from helpless neglect in a closet of a fancy villa. Bigbang would be no more. His bandmates would be lost and helpless. Who would Seunghyun talk to about his weird art and their obsession with Seungri? And who would be Youngbae’s bff and would be there to talk about their obsession with Seungri? And who would go on honeymoons with Daesung and force him to listen to countless hours about Seungri? Worst of all, GD would not be able to tell Jiyong about Seungri and Jiyong would not be able to tell GD about Seungri????? The horror!

Jiyong let out a tragic moan, further caressing his chest, and turning on his side, spreading his legs in an aesthetic fashion only Jiyong could achieve. 

And what about his poor Seungri? What would Seungri do without Jiyong bitching and moaning and drapping himself all over him? There would be no one to call him at 2 in the morning, while Seungri is in the middle of DJ-ing, to talk about the end of the world, about how nothing actually matter, and every other emo thing teenagers want to complain about. Seungri would probably dedicate an entire franchise to him, probably a fashion line of ugly shoes. Truth be told, Jiyong would have preferred to have a huge ass statue built for him. Unfortunately for him, that’s something Seunghyun would have done and Seunghyun already said he’s reserved that spot for nude statues of Daesung and Seungri, so that’s out of the question. And Youngbae doesn’t waste money on “dumb” stuff, though Jiyong would argue an amazing statue of himself is anything but “dumb”. And Daesung and Seungri don’t care for art in that way. Anyways, that’s another discussion topic, not really relevant to this story 

But the thought that hurt him the most was, who would love Seungri the way he did????? No one! No one would worship the panda man like he did. No one would honour Seungri and love him the right way!!! Only Jiyong could love Seungri the way he is supposed to be loved! 

Jiyong moaned again before he started sniffling. He had to be strong, for Seungri. Seungri needed him because Seungri only had him. His poor, poor Seungri!

Suddenly he heard a small moan coming from his room. Jiyong dramatically gasped. He could recognize that moan from anywhere! That was his Seungri moaning. Why was Seungri moaning, in his room? Who and what was making his Seungri moan in his room? Jiyong was offended! Only he can make Seungri moan like that. He will get to then bottom of this and save his love from whoever this monster was!!!!

Jiyong jumped up from the ground, only to get tangled up in his sequinned Gucci coat. Jiyong scoffed, offended that one his own clothes would turn against him during such an imperative time. The BETRAYAL. He would be getting rid of that traitorous rag once he saves his beloved. 

Jiyong untangled himself and made his way to the entry of the closet. He kicked at the door with all of his non-existent might but to no avail. Jiyong was out of breath from kicking the door. Right before he delievered another kick, he heard another moan, slightly louder than before. 

OH HELL NO!

Jiyong growled and brought out the super secret strength he’d been hiding this entire time - because Jiyong is like a lead in a shounen anime who always levels himself up in times of need to save his Nakama. 

Just as he managed to rip open the door, he tripped on his own feet and landed on his face. Jiyong had never felt so used and abused by the world. He heard a snort coming from the bed, which prompted him to slowly get up and witness the scene before him. 

On his bed laid Seungri, a beauty, napping in the sun with nothing but a speedo to cover his jewels. Next to him laid Youngbae in a custom made swim suit with “dope butt congratz” printed on his ass, taking pictures of Seungri’s pert nipple. 

“What, exactly, are you doing Youngbae?” Jiyong asked, keeping his rage under control. He would hold his temper and keep elegant like the Queens of ol’ days gone.

“Taking pics of the maknae’s nips. The sun shine is hitting it from the perfect angle, I couldn’t resist. I need to make Seunghyun jealous, so I pinch them to keep them perky. Plus the fans will love it when I post it on Instagram,” Youngbae answered casually as he was choosing a filter for the next shot. He takes this very seriously. 

Jiyong scoffed and glared at Youngbae, “Keep your dirty paws away from my maknae.”

“Why don’t you go back into the closet, where you belong,” snickered Youngbae.

“EXCUSE ME, HOW DARE YOU??!!! You know how much I struggle with my closet issues! How can I even call you my best friend? I cried at your wedding you lousy-haired ingrate! Also why didn’t you save me from the closet right now??? I could have died and left Seungri a sad and lonely soul!” Jiyong screamed.

“I thought you were jacking off in the closet. Remember the last time that happened? You burned my favourite underwear for interrupting you,” Youngbae mumbled. He never really forgave Jiyong for that and he never will.

Youngbae, still preoccupied with taking nip pics of Seungri, positioned his phone to take another pic. Seungri was still napping, enjoying his dream world of pies.

Jiyong stared. He couldn’t argue with Youngbae there. The rule to his saving his ass is if he’s jacking off, they have to wait. Masturbation is important for the upkeep of Jiyong’s health and beauty and no one is permitted to interrupt it. It’s very understandable. But that was not what he was focused on. 

“THE MAKNAE IS MINE! STOP TAKING PICTURES OF HIS PRECIOUS, WORLD SAVING NIPPLES, YOU HYPER-ASS STRIPPING PERVERT”

Youngbae turned towards Jiyong and smiled. “I’m hardly the pervert. If it weren’t for me, you would have kidnapped him and Lord know what you would've-”

At this moment Seungri woke up from his nap. He stretched in a way that looked like he had an orgasm, back arching and letting out a small moan. He turned on his side and gave Jiyong a sleepy smiled. At that moment Jiyong saw heaven and almost ascended.

“Jiyong-hyung, looks like you need to go back into the closet, your dick seems quite happy at the moment~”

Seungri giggled, Youngbae cackled, Jiyong burst into tears.

**Author's Note:**

> Dope birthday... congratz pt. 1 
> 
> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


End file.
